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David Matthews
David Matthews has been chronicling the unexpectedly humorous side of transportation news since 2000. What really makes these stories funny is the fact that they are all true.
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The 100th edition
Roads & Bridges
July 2008
By David Matthews
One hundred columns ago, we worried about Y2K, Elián González and gas prices topping $1.50 — oh, the good ol’ days
Keeping it real
Roads & Bridges
June 2008
By David Matthews
Keeping it real means never having to say you’re sorry for jacking your grandma’s car or trying on her clothes
Hold your tongue
Roads & Bridges
May 2008
By David Matthews
Sure, you’re excited about the weekend, your wife is a bad driver and your mail is always late, but keep it to yourself
Real April fools
Roads & Bridges
April 2008
By David Matthews
Whether by plane, pickup or car hood, motorists continue to find new ways to prove that April truly is for fools
PDF Version
Tomorrow today
Roads & Bridges
March 2008
By David Matthews
The days of dreaming about three-wheeled electric cars, million-mile trucks and robots in wooden shoes are over
PDF Version
Cracking down
Roads & Bridges
February 2008
By David Matthews
No matter whether you’re young or old, fast or slow, aware or distracted—you’re probably doing something wrong
PDF Version
The future is now
Roads & Bridges
January 2008
By David Matthews
New technologies like the Internet and GPS seem to cause just as many problems for drivers as they solve
Holiday wonders
Roads & Bridges
December 2007
By David Matthews
“Gladys, get out of the WC and come see this SB running around without any pants chasing the drunk priest!”
Oh so mature
Roads & Bridges
November 2007
By David Matthews
When I was a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I giggled at stop signs and trolleys
Scare tactics
Roads & Bridges
October 2007
By David Matthews
When cars begin climbing out of graves and kids start dancing with ghosts, you know it’s that time of year again
A numbers game
Roads & Bridges
September 2007
By David Matthews
If 91% of adults have overdue parking tickets, but 66% pay in foreign currency, does the wrecking ball make a sound?
’Tis the season for giving
Roads & Bridges
November 2005
David Mathews
When asked why he was transporting a dead deer in
a stolen ambulance, Holliman told a North Carolina trooper that he planned to “feed [the deer] to his people.”
Every problem has a solution
Roads & Bridges
October 2005
David Mathews
Commuting by horse only takes Jundt a few minutes longer than by car, and hay is far cheaper than gas.
Show me the way to Tuscaloosa
Roads & Bridges
September 2005
By David Matthews
Worried that she’d forget the license plate number before police arrived, the cheerleading coach repeated it to her team who then promptly turned it into the worst cheer in cheerleading history.
Patience can be a virtue
Roads & Bridges
June 2005
David Mathews
The officer explained that the fine was for “having a face like a moron and being a big monkey.”
If you can’t say something nice
Roads & Bridges
May 2005
By David Matthews
When the neighbor refused to turn down the TV volume, the BMW owner got into her car, drove across the neighbor’s lawn, crashed through some patio furniture and rammed right into the side of the neighbor’s
residence.
ROADS REPORT: Weapons of mass distraction
Roads & Bridges
April 2005
By Dave Matthews
After shutting the entire roadway down for an hour, they finally concluded that it was the man’s radiation treatment that had activated the detector.
ROADS REPORT: Keep one eye on the other guy
Roads & Bridges
February 2005
By David Matthews
At one point, Young was actually
hanging on the back of the car and skiing with his feet on the snowy road, all while giving police
dispatchers a
running
commentary.
ROADS REPORT: You can run, but you can’t hide
Roads & Bridges
January 2005
By David Matthews
After all, he was the only 37-year-old man wearing yellow rubber gloves and a jacket with a full bottle of beer in the breast pocket riding a lawn mower down the street while smoking a cigarette.
Theft, drugs and yuletide cheer
Roads & Bridges
December 2004
By David Matthews
Frustrated with Sears’ obvious lack of appreciation for ancient economic
practices, one of the men stepped out of the car and swung at the Sears
employee with an aluminum bat.
Big Brother is watching
Roads & Bridges
October 2004
By David Matthews
A wheelchair-bound man with cerebral palsy was ticketed by subway security for cursing when he was unable to find a working elevator to leave a station.
ROADS REPORT: Spring ahead, fall back
Roads & Bridges
September 2004
By David Matthews
Paula Talley was almost late to work one morning after being pulled over
for wearing her seat belt and yielding
to traffic.
Building a better community
Roads & Bridges
August 2004
By David Matthews
A Wisconsin man was startled to find a ball python in his rental car slithering out from under his seat between his legs.
ROADS REPORT
Roads & Bridges
June 2004
By David Matthews
Bus riders in Edinburgh, Scotland, have taken to spitting on their drivers in such large numbers that the drivers are now being equipped with DNA kits.
ROADS REPORT
Roads & Bridges
May 2004
By David Matthews
“I am
registered as deaf and blind, but can still see a bit out of one eye, and I know the route so well to the bank that I don’t usually have any
problems.”
ROADS REPORT
Roads & Bridges
April 2004
By David Matthews
Manufacturers are making sure there’s a place for your ponytail and your DVDs
A Hollywood ending
Roads & Bridges
March 2004
By David Matthews
So where did these officers learn such a maneuver? They told fellow officers afterward that they had seen it done on “ChiPs.”
Actions speak louder than words
Roads & Bridges
February 2004
By David Matthews
It wasn’t long before his wife noticed some suspicious wires in the trunk of her car and called the police worried about a bomb.
Roads Report: Get out there and break a leg
Roads & Bridges
December 2003
David Matthews
Roads Report is a monthly roundup of unusual traffic-related events in the news. All the stories are true, but reported in fun.
Sharpen Those Incisors
Roads & Bridges
October 2003
Allen Zeyher, Associate Editor
Although most of the new products in this section are bigger and more powerful than their predecessors, there are still machines available for every application. This month, Roads & Bridges has gathered a sample of recent introductions of recycling/reclaiming machines and cold planers used for grinding up and recycling pavement.
Roads Report: It's finally time for summer
Roads & Bridges
June 2003
David Matthews
Roads Report is a monthly roundup of unusual traffic-related events in the news. All the stories are true, but reported in fun.
Roads Report: The days are getting longer
Roads & Bridges
April 2003
David Matthews
Roads Report is a monthly roundup of unusual traffic-related events in the news. All the stories are true, but reported in fun.
Roads Report: It's a jungle out there
Roads & Bridges
January 2003
David Matthews
Roads Report is a monthly roundup of unusual traffic-related events in the news. All the stories are true, but reported in fun.
Roads Report: Signs, signs, everywhere signs
Roads & Bridges
January 2003
David Matthews
When the economy was down in the 1930s, businessmen jumped out of windows. Nowadays, they run teenage girls off the road with their BMWs and rob them.
Roads Report: Doesn't play nice with others
Roads & Bridges
December 2002
David Matthews
Roads Report is a monthly roundup of unusual traffic-related events in the news. All the stories are true, but reported in fun.
ROADS REPORT
Roads & Bridges
January 2002
David Matthews
What in the world?
ROADS REPORT
Roads & Bridges
December 2001
David Matthews
Cross-dressing, carjackings, killer car washes, profanity—the roads aren’t what they used to be
ROADS REPORT
Roads & Bridges
November 2001
David Matthews
Is something missing?
ROADS REPORT
Roads & Bridges
October 2001
David Matthews
"Weirdos" provide entertainment
ROADS REPORT
Roads & Bridges
September 2001
David Matthews
Law breakers take to the streets
ROADS REPORT
Roads & Bridges
August 2001
David Matthews
Canada's in the "hoose"
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