By: David Matthews
Sober logic
Steven Hambleton has the meanest mom on the planet. If you don’t believe him, it even says so in the newspaper.
Get this. For no reason at all, mean mom, Jane, went snooping in her 19-year-old son’s car and found alcohol under the driver’s seat. Even though Steven explained that he, like, had no idea how it got there, mom went and sold the car! Totally lame.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, check out the ad she took out in the Des Moines Register for, like, the whole world to see:
“OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don’t love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for 3 weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet.”
Mom wasn’t lacking in support for her decision. As a result of her ad, Jane received dozens of phone calls from doctors, nurses, lawyers, counselors, even a man in Georgia, all commending her for taking a tough stance on drunken driving.
So whatever happened to the alcohol that was, like, totally not Steven’s? Jane told momlogic.com: “I have no idea. It is like it just disappeared.”
Shut up and drive
We’ve all heard how cell-phone usage causes driver distraction, delayed reactions and brain cancer.
Well, according to a new study by a psychology professor at the University of Utah, motorists on the phone also are causing everyone to have longer commutes.
The study found that motorists tend to slow down by 2 mph on busy roads when engaged in a phone call. For drivers commuting an hour each day, that could add up to 20 hours a year of extra driving.
The study monitored the results of three dozen students driving in simulators. Overall, cell-phone drivers took about 3% longer to drive the same congested route than drivers not on the phone. This was attributed to the talkers changing lanes 20% less often and spending more time following slower-moving vehicles.
The study points out that it only takes two or three phone talkers to slow the overall pace of traffic. (Not that they would notice, what with their delayed reactions and brain cancer.)
Drive your age
An 85-year-old Canadian man was just as surprised to be charged with street racing last month as police officers were to charge him with it.
Police admit that the man wasn’t actually involved in a race, but tough new laws intended to crack down on “street racing, stunts and contests” apply to any motorist driving 31 mph or more over the speed limit, octogenarian or otherwise.
Under the new Ontario legislation, motorists caught driving at these extreme speeds can lose their vehicle and license on the spot for one week and receive a fine of at least $2,000.
Since the law was passed in September, 2,300 drivers across the province have been charged, mostly men in their 20s and 30s.
Surprisingly, though, 10% of those drivers were 65 or older, including two 75-year-olds who previously shared the distinction of being the province’s oldest irresponsible drivers.
But that reign came to an end when our 85-year-old speed demon passed a police officer on a snowy highway north of Toronto at 100 mph.
When he was pulled over, the man told the officer that he was just headed to the bank and then off to do some shopping.
After being informed that his car would be impounded for a week, the man replied: “God damn, you’re not taking my car, are ya?” In true Canadian fashion, he then apologized for swearing, and the officer drove him to the bank so he could finish his errands.
