By: David Matthews
A series of unfortunate events
It’s tough to agree on who made the worst decision in a Vancouver, Wash., shopping mall parking lot recently.
First, a truck driver hauling $15,000 worth of merchandise pulled up to a Sears and ran in to wash his hands, leaving his rig unlocked and running. Not smart.
While the driver was away, a 26-year-old man decided to hop in and take off with the truck and its cargo, apparently unaware of the onboard Global Positioning System. Dumb.
But then as the thief was getting away, he decided to reward himself with a refreshing beverage. Noticing a cup of liquid that the driver had left for himself, somewhat resembling coffee, the man took a swig. Really dumb.
Turns out that the cup was actually a repository for the truck driver’s tobacco spit. The thief immediately began to choke and abandoned all hope of outrunning the authorities (and GPS). He called 9-1-1 for help and was quickly taken into custody.
All for love
A 22-year-old man in Santiago, Chile, won the car of his dreams after making out with it for over two days.
Jose Aliaga beat out 26 other contestants in a car-kissing contest held by a local radio station. Aliaga won after kissing the prize car for 54 hours and 22 minutes. (He was given 7-minute rest periods every three hours.)
Aliaga was handed the keys to the brand-new car after his last competitor fainted.
Couldn’t let go
Thanks to an irrational obsession with his car, a 35-year-old Michigan man thwarted the plans of a would-be car thief.
Tony Young knew what it was like to have his car stolen. Thieves had already taken off with his 2003 Ford Mustang once before. So when he realized his Mustang had been stolen again, this time from his home in Swartz Creek, he was determined to get it back.
With the help of a friend, Young managed to find his car and its new owner stopped at a stop sign. Young confronted the driver but the car sped off. Not about to watch his pride and joy get away, Young decided to jump on the back of the car.
Despite the thief’s attempts to throw Young off by swerving at high speeds, Young not only managed to hang from the car’s rear spoiler, he found a way to call 9-1-1 on his cell phone.
Flying through the icy streets of nearby Flint at speeds up to 80 mph, Young himself said he thought he was a “goner.” At one point, Young was actually hanging on the back of the car and skiing with his feet on the snowy road, all while giving police dispatchers a running commentary.
The 20-minute ordeal finally ended when the thief stopped the car and fled on foot. He was caught by police 10 minutes later.
Amazingly, Young was not injured during the incident despite being on leave from his job after having back surgery.
Hey, not so fast
Utah police didn’t have much sympathy for a St. George man who found a way to drive himself to the emergency room last month after being shot in the calf with a nail gun. After his wound was treated, the man was promptly ticketed for getting himself to the hospital too quickly.
A Utah Highway Patrol trooper started chasing the man’s vehicle after it was spotted driving recklessly, speeding and tailgating. Unaware that the man was injured, the officer turned on his siren and even used his loudspeaker to tell the man to pull over. The driver didn’t stop, though, until he reached the front doors of the emergency room.
After ticketing the man, Utah police suggested that the next time he finds himself driving to the hospital in excruciating pain, he try and use a little more common sense.
Au naturale
The infamous naked Arkansas jogger was finally apprehended in January after six months of complaints to West Memphis police.
Officers finally caught Fate Patterson during one of his late-night runs. Naked from the waist down, the 39-year-old man jogged right by a patrol car and ignored orders to stop. After a brief chase, officers were able to slow Patterson down with a Taser.
The police department still isn’t quite sure why Patterson chose to leave his pants at home, but they imagine it might have shaved a good 30 seconds off his 5k time.
About The Author: Roads Report is a monthly roundup of unusual traffic-related events in the news. All the stories are true, but reported in fun.
